Monday, November 14, 2005
My Most Nastiest Post Ever...
Ok so I have a friend at work..umm...let's call her Ding Ass. So Ding Ass uses a method of birth control called the NuvaRing. For those of you who don't know what a NuvaRing is go fucking look it up on the internet. But basically it is a ring that is inserted by yourself into your VAG each month and is your fight against 2 year olds with constipation (like I have at my house this evening)..Anyways, so Ding Ass who I love dearly but man she liked to have scared the shit outta me on this one. She walks to my desk and the conversation goes something like this.
Ding Ass: I have something I really need to tell you.
Me: Word.
Ding Ass: Have you heard of the NuvaRing?
Me: Ugh, no.
Ding Ass: You know the ring that you put up in your woo hoo for birth control.
Me: Oh, yeh..why didn't you just call it Vag Circle or something.
Ding Ass: Shut up this is serious...Well today is the day that I am suppose to take it out..
Me: Ok...that is great. Why are you fucking telling me this.
Ding Ass: Because it is STUCK and I CAN'T GET IT OUTTA ME!
Me: What the fuck did you just say to me. You are not serious. Please dear God in Heaven tell me you are NOT FUCKING SERIOUS.
Ding Ass: Yes, I am dead fucking serious. I have been trying to get it out all morning.
Me: Well, can't you just dig a little deeper up there and grab it thing and pull it out.
Ding Ass: No, I can't get IT! My finger isn't long enough!
Me: Did you try 2 fingers?? No wait, did you ask Tina (our other co-worker) to get it out for you? She has them long ass ghetto fingernails, I bet she could reach it.
Ding Ass: NO, I am not asking Tina to get it out.
Me: Well did you ask your Mom to get it out for you? Somebody has to get it OUT! (Ding Ass still lives at home which is a whole seperate issue)
Ding Ass: NOOOO, I am not asking my MOM!
Me: What the fuck do you want me to do. I AM NOT DIGGING it out! Call your Dr.! Have her get that shit out ASAP. (at this point I am freaking out really bad for her as if it was my own VAG that this thing was stuck in)
Ding Ass: I am not calling my Dr. to take it out..she will charge me $45 bucks to take it out.
Me: (really freaking out at this point) You have to call her! You have too! You have to get it out NOW. Just go back in the bathroom and take this coat hanger and get that motherfucker out! Here is a staple remover, how about my tweezers?? Will that get it out?? You have got to get it OUT OF THE VAG ASAP!
Ding Ass: Calm down, you are freaking me out!
At that point she disappeared for a while, I thought she had privately went in the conference room to call her Dr. to see what the fuck she had to do to get this fucking thing out. Oh hellll no, she comes to my desk and says I GOT IT! She dug far enough up and got that mo fo out all by herself..In the company restroom no doubt. I was so relieved for her that I think my own VAG let out a big sigh of relief.
Here's my point..unless it is a finger, penis, vibrator..do not stick things like rings up your VAG. I mean, you have to take it out so you will have a period..Is it really worth it to dig up in your own VAG just to have a period. No fucking way it ain't.
44 Comments:
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Candy commented at 8:52 PM~
Um,
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
When I danced at the nude club you have to cut the string off your tampons so it cant fall out on you, and girls with the long death nails would have a hard ass time trying to get them out again, and it always amused me cause I mean really, just cut your damn nails.
I would of been laughing so hard I would not of been able to offer her any advice, good job keeping a straight face...-
Kami commented at 9:09 PM~
OMG!!!! You are killing me, Pissy!! Thank sweet Jesus you didn't have to do it. Holy.
Jessica, thank you. I seriously had wondering about what happened with dancers when Aunt FLo was around. I figured you just didn't work, but that's a whole week of a shitload of money to miss out on!-
The Q commented at 10:31 PM~
You absolutely had me cracking up with this! Too fucking funny....gross? Yes, but hilarious as it wasn't happening to ME (the vag ring being stuck or the TMI from a co-worker)
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Amy commented at 6:51 AM~
Pissy. I think I love you.
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Chickie commented at 8:07 AM~
Maybe you could give her a string to tie on the next one so she can yank it out easier next month. Ugh.
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Pissy Britches commented at 9:32 AM~
Jessica-cut your string off your tampon! God...I have been living in such a small world. You need to give me the stripper 101~
Kami-I wouldn't have done it..I can't be doing it. No way. I would have driven her to the Dr...I would have done anything but THAT!
Adrienne-Glad I could make you giggle a little.
Soozieq-Yes, it was TMI..we have never had these kind of discussions before! I was like WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS!
Amy-I lubb you too!
Chickie-GREAT IDEA!
WOOOO HOOOO!
I forgot to mention that I thought the damn thing was metal...like a metal ring. It is plastic!-
Kat commented at 9:33 AM~
Oh Good Lord that is funny!!!! I was getting worried for you for a minute there. :)
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dashababy commented at 9:56 AM~
OMG! Very funny. I died laughing when I read, " I was so relieved for her that I think my own VAG let out a big sigh of relief."
God you crack me up!
I have to share a story here. My friend went to the doc to get fitted for a diaphram back in the old days and she had to demonstrate her ability to put it in and take it out. So shes crouched down in the room with the doc while trying to get it out and then she passes out, her face hit the floor and she chipped her tooth. True story.-
Pissy Britches commented at 10:36 AM~
DBABY-you have got to be kidding me. That is hil fucking larious!
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pack of 2 commented at 1:01 PM~
HAHAHA...Pissy, you are so uptight...now reach up in there & help a sista out!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHa
Awesome story!
Shelly-
pack of 2 commented at 1:22 PM~
Too funny! If I were her I'd make my boyfriend get it out. If something got lost in my coochie, I'd be screaming for Shel.....Did you hear that sweetie? ;-)
Angie-
Pissy Britches commented at 1:59 PM~
That is exactly what my hubby said.."why didn't her boyfriend get it out for her"
She didn't have one at the time..she does now but didn't then. I ain't reaching up in her coochie..I luv her but NO WAY.
haha.-
Pissy Britches commented at 2:00 PM~
it's me-Oh yeh, she read it. She is ready to kill me!
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Lori commented at 3:16 PM~
Holy shit - I can't believe anybody, much less a co-worker would ask you that.
Love the 'long ass ghetto nails'!-
Pissy Britches commented at 3:29 PM~
Lori-HAHA. She didn't ask me to get it for her. She was just telling me that it was stuck.
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Random and Odd commented at 3:36 PM~
That happens to Shaun all the time.
:)
That's funny. Now if I would have said, 'coat hanger' and 'coochie' in the same sentence I would have a mystery person emailing me telling me I am not being very responsible.
You kill me!-
Elizabeth commented at 3:50 PM~
I am laughing so hard that I may pee myself.
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commented at 9:35 PM~
OMG...i was dieing reading this because I've been where your coworker has been. I useta use the Ring...and when it was time for that sucker to come out-I'd tell honey to go fish it out. I mean since he had his fingers up there anyways, might make good use of him, right?
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Deadly Female commented at 3:32 PM~
Oh my...........
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Jody commented at 3:35 PM~
very funny
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Random and Odd commented at 4:21 PM~
See, I'm not the only one who thinks you're fucking hysterical.
Now everyone...imagine that story told in this southern drawl.
Pissy, you should take this on the road.-
Kelly Lopez commented at 6:44 PM~
Just want to tell you your blog is officially my favorite! You have one more loyal follower. Someday I'll post about Snorty Sue and her trials with getting a month old tampon removed.
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High Power Rocketry commented at 7:08 PM~
Really good advice! Dont stick odd things up your vag.
R2K..Bathrooms..Rocketry-
Quiet commented at 7:48 PM~
Funny Funny stuff. I have never heard of this "ring", and now I will never forget.
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Pissy Britches commented at 8:22 PM~
Holy shit guys...I thought it was funny but didn't think you would think it was that funny.
I have so many nasty tasteless stories I could tell but I won't do that to you!
Kristine-Can I come back to California FIRST???? PLLLEEAASSEEE!-
exile commented at 8:57 PM~
hehehe,
my ex used to use that thing, and after sex i inadvertantly played ring toss. in other words i wound up wearing the ring. hehehe-
Misti commented at 10:18 PM~
That is too funny. Major TMI momment on your coworkers part.
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Misti commented at 10:19 PM~
Ew!!! Ring toss??? Nasty!
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commented at 11:50 AM~
Once when I having sex with an old boyfriend the condom fell off inside and he had to dig it out. He lived with his mom, don't ask, and I was laying on my back, legs in the air and he has his, what felt like, arm up inside me digging for the rubber and she's banging on the door. "Joey, what's going on in there? Do you have a girl in there?" It was great.
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redgirl commented at 2:39 PM~
OMG thank you for a good laugh there is no way I would tell anyone i work with if I had something stuck lol
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Fightin' Mad Mary commented at 3:29 PM~
I don't think it's a good idea to keep anything in your VAG for more than one night! Remember the Sponge? Those things would be nasty gross when it was time to take them out - I can't imagine what 3 weeks would do to anything up there.
Gross, really gross.
ps. first visit to your blog - love it!-
Stephanie commented at 7:03 PM~
OMG!! I don't think I have ever laughed that hard!!!!
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commented at 6:09 AM~
fucking cracking me up! I'm glad I finally made it back by!
the comments are fucking hilarious, too!-
Katy Barzedor commented at 8:26 AM~
See, the physics of this is exactly why you should always use a GERBIL and not a HAMSTER when inserting a rodent into one's anus.
The gerbil has a tail which you can use to extract the li'l fella. The hamster? The tailless hamster? Well, let's just say it's not gonna be so good for the hamster. Unless you can get a co-worker to fish it out for you.
Same principle with the vag ring. This concludes my scientific lecture.-
Kami commented at 10:15 AM~
Scuse me. Where the fuck is your SPF? Just asking.
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Susie commented at 10:58 AM~
Bucky is so scientific. I once had to drink a whole bottle of wine to allow someone very close to me to remove a diaphragm -- from me, that is. But it wasn't at work.
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BabySnakes commented at 11:30 AM~
sooo.. you're not recommending it? noted. BTW. apparently, im not a hooker-ass bitch (or am i??), but i love your blog. you are another grown-ass crazy woman - keeping it naughty, and setting a good example for us up-and-comers.
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Pissy Britches commented at 12:30 PM~
Ok..you guys are IN FUCKING SANE!
Kami-sorry HAB! My photo upload thingy wouldn't work and my dumbass hasn't figured out how to use FLICKR.
Bucky-You are crazy..totally and completley INSANE.
Babysnakes-you see that list over there of my HAB's..well I tried to add more HAB's to it but it won't let me add anymore...I guess the template is full or some shit. I gotta get with Kristine on that.
Everyone else that I missed...I fucking suck!-
Random and Odd commented at 1:31 PM~
Pissy Britches Readers,
Not that I am an expert on Pissy, but once you meet her in real life you get a real feel for who she is and I can tell you one thing...
She can tell a great story.
She can talk some shit.
SHE IS A TOTAL PRUDE about certain things and THAT is what makes her so damn funny when she writes.
She will tell these kick ass stories...but you're going to get a bunch of Lil' Pissy stories too, because that little girl is her life.
Her husband....he ADORES her and she thinks the world of him and it totally gives me hope for my future happiness.
Without those step children throwing a monkey wrench in her days...she would be way too relaxed and normal. I love her step kids because they send her over the edge and freak her out.
And Pissy has one of the biggest hearts EVER. You can make her cry by leaving her 53 comments too!
*hug* I can't wait to see you again you Hooker Ass Bitch.
Yes, I will update your blog too...just send me the list of links and I will add them for you.-
eyes_only4him commented at 2:18 PM~
i came thru angie and shelly, hope u dont mind.
but holy hell that was a hoot..
i went to school with a girl who stuck a hotdog up there..had to go to the ER to have it removed..LOL
and yes, nothing belong in there that cant be removed easily:-)-
Pissy Britches commented at 7:35 PM~
Kristine-You are sweet and wonderful and I heart you so much...You fucking rock so hard it is ridiculous.
I cannot wait to see you again either..can I just come to Cali again so I can get the fuck away from all these god damned kids?
Just Christina-girl hell no I don't mind...you stop by anytime damn time you want to! A HOT DOG...jeezus christ people are sick asses.
I am totally overwhelmed at the comments this got..I wish I could sit home and just read blogs all day long for a living. It is so much fucking fun!-
Mama Duck commented at 10:24 PM~
I fucking told my doctor that's what would happen and she laughed at me.
Thank God I didn't go that route.-
Amosfrie commented at 12:21 PM~
my Co-worker just sent me your blog..you are one funny arse mofo!!! I LOVE IT!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHa..keep up the good work, i thought we were the only ones who used the word Vag (pronounced Vaj) hhahahahaha awesome.
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Kate Giovinco Photography commented at 9:33 AM~
Thank you for that post.
OH MY GOD WHAT DID SHE WANT YOU TO DO FOR HER? IMAGINE 445 SHE WOULDNT PAY TO GET IT OUT OF HER HOO HA!
I was wondering about that ring. NOPE WONT BE TRYING THAT ONE!
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