MRS. PISSY BRITCHES

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Did I Ever Mention?

That I cannot fucking cook! I TOTALLY HATE TO COOK.
HATE, HATE, HATE IT!

I live in the South, we have good fucking grub around here. My mother never taught me how to cook b/c she did not know how to cook. I lived off of chicken strips and roast beef sandwiches. My Daddy on the other hand can cook like a motherfucker but never had patience enough to teach me. Besides, I had better things to do than sit around and watch him make homemade cornbread or fried chicken.

Fuck.

Well today was total proof that some motherfucker needs to get me some cookin lessons because I am a total dumbass.

Let me say that I hate busy Sunday's. I get 2 days off a week and I do not want to spend them cooking or running around. Usually my car does not leave the driveway all weekend long unless Mr. Pissy takes it to get the oil changed or something. Well this morning ALL OF US had to be up and out the door by 10 AM and off to have breakfast with my mother in law for her birthday. Instead of just meeting at the fucking Cracker Barrell my father in law who I HEART but is a cheap bastard decided he would cook mother in law and the whole family breakfast. So Mr. Pissy was told to be there by 10 so he could help f-i-l cook. So we get there ON TIME which is a miracle in itself. Everyone starts to arrive which is A LOT of fucking people and if you don't know me well enough to know that I don't like A LOT of fucking people then you just need to pay more attention. So anyways, Mr. Pissy and f-i-l cook the basics. We all fill our tummies and watch mother in law open her presents and we have to leave so I can get Lil' Miss Pissy home for a nap by NOON b/c Gran Sissy is coming to visit and will be here around 3. So we get home and I run like a bitch to finish cleaning house b/c my house has to be PERFECT when Gran Sissy comes to visit or I will get slurred like a worthless whore. So I get Lil' Miss Pissy in bed for a nap and decide that I am going to cook a Pork Roast with potatoes and carrots and all that jazz. Sounds easy enough right? Umm...NO.

I do all my prep work around 1 ish' so I can get it over with and go scrub cabinets. Peel and cut up all carrots and potatoes and place in dish. Place Pork Roast which has been seasoned with garlic and some other shit in dish. Put in fridge till time to put in oven.

Go ahead and make dessert (brownies) so I can get that over with and find something else to dust.

Dad calls on cell phone and says he thinks his transmission just went out in truck b/c there is smoke coming from the pedals and the motor is "screaming" at him. Going to turn around and go home, scared to drive the rest of the way.

I am heartbroken b/c I miss my Daddy and McKenna misses her Paw Paw. Haven't seen him in 3 weeks. :( Plus I just did all this work for this fucking Pork Roast. Fuck.

Calls back and says it stopped and he thinks the reason it was smoking is b/c he was driving 85 down the interstate in 3rd gear. (YA' THINK???) He is on his way again.

Get here and I pull out brownies and preheat for Pork Roast. Read directions earlier and I swore it said cook at 375 for 40-50 minutes.

Set timer for 1 hour just to give it a little extra time. It is a big Pork Roast after all.

Chit chat with Gran Sissy etc.

1 hour later pull out pot roast, STILL RAW, red bloody juice coming out of middle It is now 4 o clock.

Think to self, "self, what the fuck did you do" it must be the Pork Roast fault. I can follow simple directions"

Dig directions out of trash can.

Directions read: COOK 40-50 MINUTES PER POUND
Label from grocery: 2.69 pounds

FUCK.

Who in there right fucking mind would think for one stupid fucking minute that a big ass pork roast would cook in 1 FUCKING HOUR! Yeh, that would be me.

Put back in oven and cook for 2 more hours.

I am tired as hell.

Did I mention Gran Sissy had to make the cornbread? No clue about that either. Don't care b/c if I knew then everyone would just expect me to cook that shit all the time. Ignorance is bliss.

link | posted by Pissy Britches at Sunday, December 11, 2005

24 Comments:

pack of 2 commented at 9:16 PM~: Yay...you're back!:)

I just started cooking a few years ago...I like it now. Sometimes it feels stressful though!

Maybe you should get a slow cooker!
They rock!!! You just put the shit in there & go to work or whatever & presto...cooked food 6-8 hrs later. Just make sure you buy a slow cooker recipe book & you will be so happy with the results! It is really easy...I swear.

FYI...most meats like that are per lb...ham, turkey, roast, etc....now ya know. Even people who know what they are doing can fuck it up...don't worry about it!

I'm glad your dad was able to make it. LOL@ driving in 3rd gear!

Shelly
Kami commented at 9:18 PM~: Missed you! Come to Dallas, and I will give you some cooking lessons. ;) I did that once with a stuffed chicken breast or some shit. Threw that right in the trash. Damn it!

Yes, like Shelly said, get a Crock Pot!
Elizabeth commented at 10:54 PM~: you just gave me my first laugh of the day. thanks.
hemlock commented at 7:42 AM~: I was cooking some chicken on the bar-b-q one day last spring, and this woman walks right accross our lawn to talk to me.

She says "I really wanted a roast today, so I bought one. Do you know how long I should cook it?".

I said "Well it really depends on the size, and how you like your meat to be cooked".

She said "Oh, so it won't be done in 40 minutes?

I said, "Um, no"

Ah cooking...ain't it lovely?
Kathryn commented at 10:19 AM~: Oh sweetie that is some funny shit!

Go to Costco and buy yourself a crock-pot and a recipe book (also at Costco...)

Maybe I'll send you some once a month cooking recipes for the crock pot when you're ready.
Pissy Britches commented at 10:40 AM~: Ok..you are really gonna love this one.
I HAVE A CROCK POT.
I have a roaster.
I have a dutch oven.
I have all that shit.

I am just an idiot.
Kate Giovinco Photography commented at 10:54 AM~: Now just use the crock pot it is super simple.

Thanks for the laugh! I love to cook but only because my mother taught me and she is an awesome cook. Without her I would be clueless!
Scarlett commented at 11:44 AM~: oh my god, thanks for making me PISS myself while tears squeeze out of my eyes!!! oh god! I am ssssooo happy I read this this morning, not ONYL for the comedic value it instilled in my dark and gloomy morning - but it also makes me feel better that I'm not the only one! hahahahhha. Thank GOD my boyfriend is the best fucking chef this side of the mississippi!!! i TOTALLY lucked out!!
Candy commented at 5:07 PM~: Ewww undercooked pork?

That coulda been SCARY!

I can cook, I just choose not too ALOT.

Poor girl, your weekends should be spent in pjs and getting foot rubs. I think that is actually a law...
Margaret commented at 5:10 PM~: dont feel bad...i dont know how to cook, and i refuse to learn...why do you think i got myself a wife??? so i didnt have to... :)

peace...
dashababy commented at 5:45 PM~: Now thats funny. A girl from the south that can't cook!!! LOL. What about your "hillbilly pizza"?

Well, least you got all your teeth.
Michele in Michigan commented at 6:28 PM~: roflmao (but NOT at your expense, I assure you! Oh FUCK, who am I kidding..of COURSE it was hehehe)

;)

I am a fan-fucking-tastic cook. Hell, just look at my ass & you can tell. I LOVE to cook. I will HELP you learn. I agree with everyone else USE THAT CROCKPOT! I love my crockpot and my pressure cooker.

If you had a pressure cooker, that roast WOULD have been cooked in an hour!

Both are easy as hell. You are NOT an idiot, give yourself a break! Pick up a crockpot cookbook (or go to the MANY websites geared toward crocks), pick something & you will find that even YOU will make some good tastin' shit with very little work!
Firestarter5 commented at 7:55 PM~: Next on The Cooking Channel: Fuck Pork, Let's Eat Marshmallows with your Hostess Mrs Pissy Britches

I stick to soup. Ya can't fuck that up.
Anonymous commented at 8:18 PM~: i'm with pack of 2-slow cooker. you can't go wrong with that.

if you get your dads recipe to cornbread please share. i miss that about the south.
Random and Odd commented at 8:23 PM~: GWEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNS Fault!!
Kami commented at 9:09 PM~: Oh, hell. There goes Kristine again with the Gwen hatin'.
Katy Barzedor commented at 12:06 PM~: My favorite kitchen is one attached to a takeout window.
SuburbanMom commented at 3:13 PM~: I hate to cook too.

In fact, I pretty much don't.
Pissy Britches commented at 6:38 PM~: Ok. Crock pot next time..but I totally fucking agree with Bucky on this one.
That is what I'm talking about right there. Drive fucking THRU.

BTW..it did turn out alright. I mean it was not the best thing I ever put in my mouth to eat and sure as fuck wasn't worth 3 hours but hey..we were so hungry by that point no one gave a shit if it was a big cow turd.
Katy Barzedor commented at 12:21 PM~: What? You have cow turds?

I'll be right over.
Reach the Beach commented at 1:06 PM~: Great site....it's so FUCKING FUNNY......
Anonymous commented at 10:18 AM~: At least you know how to send Christmas cards! THANKS!

you're from the south and can't cook? never heard of that. Now that I think of it, though, most of my southern friends (transplated to Indy) are gay men, so of course they can cook....

I love to cook, but I always cook like the 82nd Airborne is stopping by for dinner (in my pre-Mr. Wonderful days, I always hoped....), so I have the same stuff 3 meals a day for like a month when I cook. I made manicotti for Mr. Wonderful and my Dutch Bro last Saturday....excessive use of garlic is good to keep co-workers away ;-)
SassyFemme commented at 7:17 PM~: Have you checked out some of the easier cookbooks? Just plain simple easy directions and not a lot of excess work to make the dishes.
Kami commented at 9:43 AM~: Here I am again, asking where in the hell your SPF is. Gah.

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