MRS. PISSY BRITCHES

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

This is a long one....sorry in advance..

Good lord.
What a crazy few days it has been, fuck.

I promised to tell you the story of the drive home..be glad I didn't take a fucking picture of this shit. LITERALLY.

On Sunday when we left Gatlinburg to come home it took 2 fucking hours to drive about 10 miles just to get back to the interstate so we could get home. See, all the fucking hillbillies including myself leave at the same fucking time so we jumped right in there with them. The sad thing is..I KNEW BETTER. Last time we went and left to come home the same thing happened so I deserved that one. 2 hours to drive 10-15 miles SUCKS rooster COCKS..you huurd me on that one right? Well I should have known this was not a good sign of the trip to come. But I was trying to be positive. So fucking much for that.

So we had taken 3 seperate cars b/c Mr. Pissy and Spencer went down earlier than us so Mr. Pissy had his truck. McKenna and I took my van and Daddy and the other sissy's followed behind us in their ride. So here we all are trying to get the fuck out of this place and moving about an inch every 10 minutes. We of course all had to pull over and piss a million times which meant getting out of traffic and then trying to get some hillbilly motherfucker to let you back on the road once you were done. So by this time my child was having a holy fucking hissy cow crying and bitching and carrying on. Luckily Spencer decided to ride home with me so he could "help" out with her..well so much for that shit. They just argued the whole fucking time..you would think a 15 year old boy would have no interest in arguing with a 2 1/2 year old..no such fucking luck.

So by the time we got to the interstate and a few major meltdowns she had fallen asleep and I thought I was in the clear..even though we still had 3 hours to drive. Ugh, no..we get to about downtown Knoxville and she wakes up SCREAMING to the top of her lungs and all of the sudden my car starts stankin like a motherfucker. I knew she had done shit herself bad..real, real bad..SHE HAS never went #2 in the CAR in her LIFE..so here I am in the middle of downtown Knoxville freaking out b/c I don't see a gas station to pull off to and it looks like the ghetto anyways so I keep driving until Spencer and I are just gagging it stanks soooo bad. So I finally find an Exxon and Spencer takes her out of her seat and there is shit EVERYWHERE...all in her car seat..all up her back plum to her fucking NECK. I am not kidding..her clothes, her legs..every fucking where..so I literally take her and hold her out in front of me and carry her in the store with new pull up and extra change of clothes in hand. Chick at the counter looked at me like I had lost my damn mind..I ran to the bathroom and used a half box of wipes cleaning her up..changed her clothes and washed up and thought we were in the clear...

Ugh, no..not hardly.

We get on down the road and it is raining here and there and then it starts getting ugly..reallllly ugly outside. For those of you who don't know my #1 fear is being in my car and getting caught in a fucking tornado and it picking up my little Mazda and killing my country ass. Well, I think that came pretty close to happening. We are about 30 minutes from home and it is raining hard, I mean harder than I have ever seen it rain. We are on an interstate called 840 which pretty much has no exits with gas stations and is in the middle of NOWHERE. It is the most borning fucking stretch of interstate in THIS WHOLE fucking WORLD. So it starts raining and I swear to GAWD..my van is blowing around in the other lane of traffic..I had to hold the wheel with my big Pissy paws just to keep it on the road..I am telling you, scared SHITLESS..I could have shit myself.

But guess what?

I didn't have to shit MYSELF because by this time my precious little daughter had SHIT HERSELF ALL OVER THE PLACE AGAIN. In the middle of the worst driving conditions EVER. All over her clothes again..EVERYWHERE. So of course we could roll the windows down b/c it was raining so hard so we were dying from the stank and I couldn't just let her sit in her own shit everywhere so I make Spencer take her out of her carseat and lay her in the floor and tell him he is just gonna have to get a pussy and change her himself. ( he has NEVER changed even a pee pee diaper) So like I was saying..shit all over the place...stanking ass shit..BLAH..so he finally gets her changed and of course her clothes are in the very back of the van with everything else so he couldn't get to them so my poor child had to ride home in a pull up and that is it. At least she didn't have shit on her and her poor brother didn't die from changing her shit pants. Now if that ain’t some instant fucking birth control for a teenager I don’t know what is.

So the rain lets up and we make it home, finally we are safe and I can get some clothes on my naked child.

I turn on the weather b/c I had not even seen a fucking TV in 4 days so I had no idea that morning that the weather was suppose to get all crazy.
So we see all these big storms on the radar coming thru and then the motherfucking weatherman starts talking about how it had killed 28 people in counties not so far from ours..Well, I stay up until 10 or so and am just pooped so me and the hubby go to bed thinking it will miss us and everything will be just fabulous.

I am proud to say that was my last fucking ignorant thought of that particular day.

We are awaken at 11:30 pm by the loudest shit I have ever heard. That shit was HAIL. Big ass motherfucking hail..it was so loud that we couldn't hear one another talk. Our house is all sidning(no brick) so it was insane. I go turn on the porch light and you cannot see grass..all you see is hail..every fucking where. And our 3 cars sitting right out in the middle of it all. Yeh, we had to turn the garage that WE HAD into a bedroom for Spencer so we have no garage. So this went on a good 10-15 minutes, after pissing myself several times b/c I had never seen hail before this moment. I just knew the tornado was next.

Thank God I was wrong on that shit. I ran back to check on Lil' Miss Pissy b/c I just knew she would be scared to death b/c it was just so loud it was insane. I bust thru her door like a mad woman only to find her sound asleep in her bed and she didn't even MOVE. I guess she had shit so much she wore herself out.

So, we made it thru a lot luckier than a lot of others. Our cars have some pretty shitty hail damage to them which is annoying as a motherfucker but after the whole incident in the car and then at home that night..let me tell you..mother nature is one freaky little cunt head.
I think the death toll stayed at 28 or 29..isn't that insane.? So sad. There are hundreds of people homeless which may not seem like a big deal after all the devastation with Hurricane Katrina but it is sad non the less.

Of course most people that died lived in a trailer or mobile home if you wanna call it that.

Bitches please listen...this shit ain't no joke.. you have got to get out your trailers if there is a tornado coming..please hear me on that shit. I don't care that you live in a trailer..hell my Daddy had a trailer once and I happily lived there but get your asses out the trailers when a tornado comes. You would be safer just standing outside and throwing your arms in the air and jumping up in the tornado then sitting in your trailer. It is just a trailer..you can get a new one.

Oh, and the source of all the shitting my child did..I later found out was Jimmy had fed her at least a half bag of fucking peanuts right out of the shell the night before..she just stood there as long as he kept feeding them to her which was at least an hour. Thanks Jimmy..you sissy ass bitch.

link | posted by Pissy Britches at Tuesday, April 04, 2006

17 Comments:

Tina commented at 9:41 PM~: Omg bitch, I'm fucking exhausted after reading that shitting ass long post. No pun intended. It took us 9.5 hours to get home from the damn beach a day early and it should have only taken 7.5 at the most. But thanks to construction on the Alabama interstates, we were sitting for 2 hours outside of Montgomery. I was one pissed bitch. And we had called a divorce lawyer by the time we got home.
Kami commented at 10:32 PM~: "I guess she had shit so much she wore herself out."

Laughing my fucking ass off, at your expense. Thank you.

Peanuts make someone shit that much? Never knew. Oh honey. And what the fuck does a 15-year-old argue with a 2-year-old about? Seriously. OMG.
pack of 2 commented at 11:40 PM~: We heard about the storms and deaths on the news......and were hoping that it missed you.

Sorry about that shitfest car ride girl.....I would have puked.

Shangie
Summer commented at 6:18 AM~: The ride home from vacays can ruin that warm fuzzy vacay feeling. I'm glad you're home safely.
Monogram Queen commented at 9:39 AM~: Whew boy that post DID have me laughing but WITH you not AT you. Glad to hear there were, um, extenuating circumstances to the long car ride. I still don't know if we are brave enough to attempt it. Glad you made it home safe and it wasn't any worse than it was.
Alli's Mom commented at 10:44 AM~: I've had the same expeirence with my little one as well.....coming home from Texas, I literally gave her a bath in the KFC bathroom!

Glad to hear you survived the terrible weather, the devestation is horrible.
Kathryn commented at 11:24 AM~: OH. MY. GOD. HAB.

You need a godamn xanex.
Random and Odd commented at 2:57 PM~: HOLY SHIT! you said 'cunt' in a post!!

RSG and I RUINED YOU!

hee hee.

I'm glad you're okay. I'm still sick so I am going to go crawl back into bed.

*hug*
Pud commented at 6:32 PM~: DAMN!!! That Sucks!!

That's all I have to say.
Firestarter5 commented at 10:07 PM~: "I guess she had shit so much she wore herself out."

Holy fuck, I'm dyin' here.....
Michele in Michigan commented at 11:05 PM~: ROFLMAO--you are a funny HAB!

I think Jimmy is askin' for a package to be sent to his house. Pack those shitty clothes in a huge ziplock bag & then add some Hershey Kisses to that ziploc. Send it to him "Priority Mail." He will open it, see the candy & assume the ziplock bag hold yummy treats. Yeah, Jimmy, it DOES! Just for YOU!! hehehe

Glad you're safe & I know how freaked out you were. My ex was driving from Michigan to Erin, TN & had fucking tornadoes following his ass most of the way through Ohio. I wouldn't have cared, but my daughter (9yo at the time) was with him & freaking the fuck out on the cellphone to me. I told her to hit him in the head with it since I couldn't pop him one.
Elizabeth commented at 7:16 AM~: You make me laugh with your descriptive abilities. :)

As for those poor people, I can't even imagine the terror of having everything you own ripped out from under you. With almost NO warning. Unlike the geniuses here who chose to stay during a Category 5 hurricane that we knew was coming for 36 God Damned HOURS. Yeah, I have very little sympathy for those who stayed - sorry.
Candy commented at 12:27 PM~: Ya know.... kids do this... errr... "shit" to me too... in fact, I blogged about it just a couple of days ago... when my daughter was 6 months old we had the car problem in a Target parking lot... I was SO white trash that day... LOL!
Anonymous commented at 6:01 PM~: OH MY GOD! I'm laughin so hard here...bless poor lil pissy girls heart!!!

glad to hear you guys got home safely and everyone is ok...but omg....pissy girl ! the way you tell a story as bad as the experience was...i can't help but sit here and laugh my ass off. ugh..i'm sorry....but shit.
dashababy commented at 10:36 AM~: You know, they say everything happens for a reason. This will be a lifelong memory for you and Spencer. In fact, I don't think I'm ever gonna forget it now. Sheesh! You po' ting.

You've never seen hail??!!
Well, I'm glad the tornado missed you. I thought of you when I heard about it. I watched the news and this one guy said, "he was sittin' in his trailer watching tv and then pretty soon the walls were gone and he was just a sittin' there."
That's one trip you won't forget.
pack of 2 commented at 7:54 PM~: Hey Pissy~
We saw you got more bad weather...are you all OK?

Shangie
Deodand commented at 10:10 PM~: "You would be safer just standing outside and throwing your arms in the air and jumping up in the tornado then sitting in your trailer" is HILARIOUS.

And...how come no one's said...SHIT HAPPENS?!?

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